Back in the saddle–finally

It took just about two weeks, but I’m back in the saddle.

It was a brutal couple weeks being so sick and so busy, all at the same time. To make matters worse, as ill and tired as I was, I angsted constantly. Just ask MrsB. Last night (?) I was telling her about all my angst and discontent and she sagely looked at me and said “well, that’s because you’re resisting the deepest desire of your soul.” The truth of it really pummeled me. It was true. I was resisting the call and paying the price. I was doing everything but writing and feeling the pain of not doing what my heart really wants to. The weird thing is in that state I was nearly able to talk myself out of writing. It went something along the lines of I should just be grateful to have a great job where I’m appreciated and compensated well for my time and efforts. I should just buckle down and master my role there and really give my career at the bank everything I’ve got. Then I could enjoy my weekends, sleep in, and just get by like everyone else on the planet. What’s so bad about just putting my shoulder to the grind stone and getting through. Life is supposed to be a grind, right? And really, how likely am I with my silly ideas to actually thrill anyone? How likely am I to thrill enough people that I can make a living as a writer? Plus the computers are coming and they’ll annihilate everything in their path. They’re already composing music for God’s sake! Surely books are next. But my soul really doesn’t give a crap about everything or anything else. It just wants me to write. Period. When I don’t write–and frankly, sometimes even when I do–I angst. Hardcore. I mope and drag around the house.

I suppose I’m guilty of putting the end before the means and overly focusing on making a living from writing…falling into exactly the trap which I recommend avoiding. Don’t focus on the grades you want. Focus on the process and the grades will follow. Same thing with writing. Don’t focus on wanting (needing) to make a living as a writer. Focus on writing and the rest of the process: story search, story design, story write, begin next book while editing the first one, while acquiring a cover for the first one, while distributing the first one…put out book after book after book. And eventually, some day, some month, some year in the future I’ll find myself making a living at it. And in the meantime I won’t be going crazy. Which is a plus.